Philosophies, Rants, Vents, and other pointless Babble ^.^

Okay...

Wed, 31 May 2006 12:55:48 GMT

So, I have an old, well not really old, but another LJ that anyone can read if they want... and most of my past shyte is on there. If you want it just ask for it, I'm not going to post it just in case someone I don't want reading it actually does...

But yea, soooo

Haven't been doing all that great in reality. I mean, I'm playing shit off like evrythings fine, which has been working out for me actually. Heh...

Talked to my friend Seth last night which was good, haven't talked w/ him in a while, and he helped me. ^_^

Other than that, there are a few people who have either indirectly or directly helping and I greatly greatly appreciate it.

Annnddd, I dunno. I guess I'm just trying to keep my mind off of things, even though it's not working all that well... but it's been doing the job for the most part, I guess.

I dunno, I'm putting this link in my other site thing and I dunno how it's going to go over...

Like I said though, there's more stuff on my other LJ, so if anyone wants that link feel free to ask and I'll probably give it to you...

-Me. <3.

Wow... I'm back

Tue, 30 May 2006 12:53:31 GMT

Jeez, I haven't updated in here in sooo f'in long.

Hmm, I can't get into details about... well, everything, at the moment. But all in all. I'm going back to a doctor. Due to my parent's request, as well as mine. Just a lot of things I haven't been telling anyone... um.. been doing stupid shit lately. But I'm going to change all of that.

Just mass feelings of isolation and lonliness and sadness. Not the best thing, right?

But other than that. I dunno. My friend Matt's been helpin' me out massively. Justin gave me a pick-me-up.

I'll update more later...

*sigh* I Miss LJ. I'm going to be back frequently. I need a venting thing.

-Me. <3.

Work in Progress: Finish

Fri, 23 Dec 2005 05:19:22 GMT

What is jealousy?

Well, by definition, Jealousy is:

-Fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position.

-Resentful or bitter in rivalry (or inclined to suspect rivalry); envious.

-Vigilant in guarding something.

-Intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic.

-An irrational reaction compounded of grief, loss of self-esteem, enmity against the rival and self criticism.

In my opinion, the last seems most accurate and hits all aspects of how jealousy is caused. It also explains what jealousy is perfectly and in general, an irrational reaction... Caused by: compounded grief, loss of self-esteem, and the typical negative feelings one would have towards a rival.... hit's the nail pretty much on the head, one would think..

and here i sit...

Fri, 02 Dec 2005 18:15:43 GMT

and so, i'm in this lovely school o' mine, listening to girls talk about their "friends" once again... i swear, i must say that i dont' like how they can do that and then call another person their friend.. i gotta start sticking up for people, i feel just as bad sitting there and listening to people talk... next time someone says something, especially about someone that i'm friends with. because, my dearies... there is quite the difference between venting and gossiping and such.

my philosophy:

- don't say anything behind someone's back that you won't say or are too afraid to say to their face.
i'l be the first to admit that i'm guilty of doing such a thing. i have talked about people behind their backs and said things that i regret saying. example, Cathal. i have talked about him behind his back, and it's something that i do feel bad about and am not doing anymore..

- don't say shit about a person behind their back and then call them a friend.
i mean,if you have a problem with someone and you just want to vent, that's fine. but if there's no shit going on between the two parties, then why say anything about it at all?? there's no point. just leave each other alone. both people would be much happier that way...

- if you are a bystander or a friend to the person involved in a situation, do not get involved. it is no where near your place to attack another person and take sides if two people are fighting. if you want to help the person, help them to realize that fighting can only make things worse and there is no point in fighting. furthermore, if you are a bystander, then it isn't your business to know what's going on... if you are not directly involved, it doesn't concern you.

there of course was more, but my brain is just a massive swirl of words and things to say and such at the moment, i can't possibly write everything down, but hopefully you got the basic idea of it...

and i must admit, i have done every one of those things that i just said isn't good to do. and i openly admit that, but people i consider friends, i have never talked about behind their back like many girls do. if you are my true friend, i do not talk about you behind your back. i'm nice to everyone, but because i am nice, i do not believe that it makes us friends.

a friend is someone that i talk to on a regular basis, someone that i can talk about many things with, and have a conversation with that doesn't just involve boys, school, or other people that they or we don't like. overall, the main part, someone that i can trust. so therefore i consider myself to have 9 or 10 real friends. i will do anything for anyone. i'm friendly to everyone as long as they are friendly to me, even if i don't like you i'll be friendly to you.

there are probably more little things to say and such, but nothing worth really mentioning right now i guess. yea, i'm done with my rants. ^.^

Adios. That's all for now, see you next time on.... "Nicole's Pointless Ramblings" :D

And it's my birthday... sigh....

Thu, 24 Nov 2005 22:28:10 GMT

So, yes.. family is over at the moment. :/ it's aright i guess.. birthday + thanksgiving.. ehh. heh.

but yesss.. haven't updated in quite sometime. things have been quite turbulent. but it's not so bad, i'm more optimistic lately :D which i would like to think of as a good thing.

and i must say thank you very much to Justin for helping me out that other night. and katie helped me out a lot too.

one thing on my mind though, i feel like i've really lost a friend. and i lost them quite a few weeks ago. but i wish they were my friend again. and the friendship didn't end too well... :/ and it's just.. annoying i guess. i mean, we weren't friends for years or anything. and i still am annoyed with him, but it'd be nice if we were friends i guess... yea...

i just need to get out.. anyone who reads this (which is probably a count of 0) we should hang out tonight.. til whatever time. i'm in a mood to get out and have fun and such. which is why i can't wait for saturday night. going to sleep over katie's house, going into the city, finally getting an ID. it's gonna rock so hard. ^.^

let's see, that's about all worth mentioning.. everything else i guess i'll put in a private entry or something.

Adios. ^.^ *less than 3*

Blech

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 20:12:56 GMT

what happened. heh. i gotta stop speaking to soon... :/

-edit-

yea, most likey not going to play the knitting factory. the rest of the band is.. but i'm not. oh well. i kinda saw that coming, so im not too disappointed. and my school is so damn retarted. holy shit. the teachers are just fucking idiots. they seriously just make up rules out of no where and when you make points that show they're incorrect, you get in trouble. of course. even you make a certain point in a respectful manner. >.< you just can't win.

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 14:13:40 GMT

And so. my weekend ROCKED so hard. it was unbelievable. friday night went to go see paul mccartney who was SO fucking kick ass.. he was just mind blowing. best concert i've ever been to.. ever. I went with Katie Ballou. She and i have been hanging out a lot more recently. i'm so happy about it. we haven't hung out like this in a while. it's so great. she came with me on friday to the show we had a really good time, got back around 1am. Then woke up the next morning at 5am to go to Duane's mom's wedding. That was so much fun. Duane's family is hysterical and i ended up salsa-ing with Duane's uncle from San Francisco. It was great.. then when we came back we went to a Porcupine Tree concert that night. They were good. And yesterday i hung out with some family and such, then my dad came to pick me up and we got Charlie and Katie and went to the Beck show in Coney Island, which was really cool. I've never really heard a lot of Beck songs before. But yea. Best weekend i've had in a really long time. ^.^ I was in such an awesome mood the whole weekend.. but now i'm back in school and my moods gone down some. Heh. Ah well.. what can one do?

Anyways.. been feeling pretty good lately i guess. I'm happiest when i'm not in school. I dunno.. its just this feeling like i don't fit in. but i can't complain too much b/c i can't say that i really want to fit in with them. A few of the girls wanted to start a band and play the Knitting Factory - November 6th if anyone wants to come. We're going to be terrible. There's no way we're going to be ready by then. We haven't practiced. And i don't know if they even want me in the band, they might kick me out, so...

But hopefully Katie and I will get our band idea going. That'd be great. And i might have another band offer with this guitarist Vin.. but he has 12 years experience so i don't know if that'll be very good. >.<

But yea, s'all been pretty good. ^.^

>.

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 16:44:05 GMT

Arrgggg.... it just seems like if it's not one thing, than it's another.. god damn. i'm not quite sure how to put it, but some shit can just bother me. Fuck.... and there's nothing i can do about it.

a lesson that must be learned:

you can't change people, you can't change the way people are, you can't change the way people act or what they do... all you can do is change the way you deal with them and the way you deal with situations. *sigh* so, now how do i deal with this.... marevelous, more things to think about before i go to sleep..
or in my next class...

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 17:44:41 GMT

blah. i'm feeling a bit better now, thank god. i dunno why b/c on monday night i was hysterical. i haven't wanted to die that badly in a long time. that night, the only things keeping me alive were duane, katie, and family. thank god i have them. but.. yea.. i feel a bit better, i'm still not feeling the best about myself though. i gotta work on that self-esteem thing. btu at least i don't feel like crying at the moment. so that's gotta be a plus, right?

i love him. i know for a fact i do. but i also know i love him more than he loves me.. at least that's what i keep feeling. i'm always thinking i don't do enough for him. or that i'm not good enough for him. like.. whenever i go to surprise him or whatever... i have this image in my head of him with another girl looking happy and like he's having a good time. which is ok, i mean, that's all i really want for him... is to be happy. i want to spend the rest of my life with him, so amazingly badly. and i like it when he spends money on me, actually, not that much. it's nice and all.. but it really is the last thing i want. i just want to be able to get an unexpected hug from him every now and then. stuff like that. little stuff. stuff not worth mentioning to him, heh. god, i love him so much. :)

school is better.. i still feel out of place and awkward, but that may clear up in time. but yea... i really do feel like the odd one out. i'm laughing when i don't think things are funny, and just shit like that. i'm trying to relate to them, and sometimes i can, but sometimes i really truly can't... it's frustrating. :/

whatever

End.

EDIT

I hate comparing myself to people, physically and personality wise... that's something that really has to stop.... :/ all it's doing is making me feel more and more like shit... >.<

Fri, 09 Sep 2005 17:53:28 GMT

*le sigh* :-/ :-(

-EDIT-

yea... so, shit that goes on in my head and shit thats been going on with me. brace yourselves...

ok
- first day of school... felt completely out of place, wanted to cry the whole time i was there. went out afterwards with some of the nda girls.. felt completely out of place. did anyone actually want me there? it's a good question. i thought one, maybe two people did.. but now i'm not sure if they did or not...

- few people told me i lost weight.. strange b/c i've either not eaten on some days or eaten way too much on other days. *shrugs* i've been sleeping much more than usual. one of the only things i really want to do is sleep.

- went to class the other day and got punched in the face, then slammed that person onto the floor and then punched someone else in the stomach... hard. and it felt really good. i have nothing against either of those people, but it really did feel good to release that energy, anger, whatever you want to call it. going to class tonight and i can't wait.

- i'm not even going to start on the situation with my friends b/c i personally believe that a best friend doesn't need to hang out with you all the time. one of my best friends, katie, i rarely see and i don't talk to that much. but we still consider each other best friends. a best friend is there when you really truly need it. Ex. katie called me up one night after not talking to her for a few months and said she needed a place to stay or someone to go with her somewhere. Me, being sick with a high fever said sure. She was feeling down and was considering leaving her house and i would have been there for her in a heartbeat. and i know she would do the exact same for me... best friends.

- so on some levels i feel ok, and on some i feel like shit. but, ya know, that's my own fault. *shrugs*

- i've been told by quite a few people that i need new friends. but i don't know or think thats really true, but then again, god knows i don't have the best decision making skills or make the best judgement calls. so... i dunno. let's see how this school year turns out. *sigh* the time my doctor decides to go on vacation and i don't see him until next week... perfect >.<

*sigh* yea.. LJ's good for venting shiz...

Wed, 31 Aug 2005 16:43:49 GMT

Got this from Justin's site, and it's an interesting question...

If you woke up and i was in bed with you, what would be your first thought? >,<

-----

Anyways, i think i've finally figured things out for myself, thank God. a lot of people don't know but i've been having little breakdowns randomly throughout the summer, and they're really sucked. and i'm supposed to be seeing a doctor, but he hasn't been doing shit to help me. so i don't think i'm going to see one anymore, b/c (like i said) i think i've solved my own problems, which is just the way i like it... so yea, since last night (had another mini breakdown) i'm feeling (mentally and emotionally) 10x better. now physically i just have to get myself fixed, heh ^.^
so now hopefully things stay like this.

oh, and you guys should join this SW RPG thing, it's awesome ^.^

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